I had a meltdown last night.
I often don’t allow myself the permission to break down, because I tell myself I don’t have the right. I chose this path. I already knew it would be hard.
I could have chosen to stay in “normal” work.
I could have chosen to stay quiet.
I could have “behaved” like everyone else.
I could have kept all of my ideas to myself.
I could have decided to let my work remain a hobby instead of a life calling.
But I didn’t.
I chose a path that is often misunderstood isolation.
I chose a path that makes people angry and enraged.
I chose a path that is sometimes thankless.
I chose a path that sometimes feels as though it doesn’t have a place.
I chose a path that requires CONSTANT raw honesty, emotional grit, and endless probing into the blackest of territories and abyss of truth.
And I am not sorry I chose that path.
But I would be lying if I said I did not have my glorious pity parties. I would be lying if I said my work didn’t sometimes get the best of me. I would be lying if I said it didn’t hurt when I sometimes feel people value their trivial materialistic commodities over my work.
I’m not proud of my pity parties. But they do happen. And I had one last night.
But every pity party and every pain brings with it a loving message. A whisper of truth. And I’m ever so grateful for my own mentors and coaches who have the courage to voice the truth, even in my misery.
You see, my own trauma has a way of surfacing to sabotage me, until I address it and heal it. And one of my deepest and oldest wounds tells me I cannot rely on anyone outside of myself. That I am truly unsupported and that when I DARE to trust anyone, they will always let me down. This life experience has made me incredibly fierce and independent in so many ways. Even I am amazed at what I have accomplished alone.
But this pity party has shown up to tell me I don’t WANT to believe I have to do everything alone anymore. Because it’s a fucking lie. I CAN be fully supported. I CAN have many relationships that are reliable, consistent, and trustworthy.
I can accomplish an incredible amount alone. IMAGINE what I will create with a TEAM.
Goddess work is endless and brave. Stay tuned for the next version.
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